Crazy Provocateur

Good day to all, lovers. It's become a bit of a tradition that I watch The Bachelorette and comment here the next morning; think of it as the tasty hors d'oeuvres I offer you before the fashun entree - sausage roll? -teehee. Don't ask me why I'm doing this - I have never even WATCHED the ghastly show before. But, there's something about this group of guys that it just too good. TOO GOOD, I TELL YOU. I can't contain the snarkiness, babies.

Can we just discuss Ames today. Wow. Ames. You're a coagulated, solid brick of Velveeta with your big, eh-doo-cay-tud words and your geek-chic lisp. Sidebar: As I write this, I'm eating some blueberry yogourt that is questionable in the freshness department. Sliiiightly lumpy. If I get violent diarrhea, we'll just call it karma. 

Some informazia on Amore-Ames: "He holds an undergraduate degree from Yale and a Master’s degree from Columbia, and he’s currently pursuing his DBA at Harvard." He can tie a bowtie perfectly "while blindfolded." *GASP*  He works out with a trainer 6 days a week. He lives in NYC and works as a Portfolio Manager. ....... See what I mean, chickens. This guy is Grade A NY Douchemeat. Scrummy.

I iz Ames. Here iz my new dentures, Cinderella.

Whilst on their date, A&A begin to conversate. A1 reveals, (forgive the inexactness of my quoting) something to the effect of:

"I was looking at escape routes online, because my life sucks I'm so important/busy that I needed a break and I found a cooking school in Thailand. The next day, YES THE VERY NEXT DAY, I took off to Thailand - Pad Thai was calling my noodle. I was the ONLY WHITE MAN amongst the yellow people. Fwa ah ah ah hahah, CRAZAY. IT WAS SO CULTURAL. IM A MAN OF THE GLOBE, ASHBABY.

Cue A2's swooning.

Ames continues with these superfluous gems:

"I'm not looking for another me........" Read: I'm perfect already. I will now paddle you around in silence and smile smugly/awkwardly to myself because I've done this ALLL before, peasants.  Fwa wa wa wa, plebian Ashley -  isn't she ahhhdorable... and so quaint. So so quaint. Not spontaneous and worldly like me. "I've been to 70 countries, after all." But I can show her the world.....

Jasmine and Aladdin Ames on their Magic Kayak Ride

DON'T YOU DARE CLOSE YOUR EYEEESSS...

Couple more tidbits for you:

"She looks beautiful at all times. Rain or shine. At sea or on land." Whoa, deep.

"I have whiteboards all over my apartment, full of math." aka, I'm John Nash. Wait, who are you?!!? AHHH WHERE AM I?! SCHIZOPHRENIAAAAA.

"Indeed. I accept. Fwa wa wa wa only you could offer such a brilliant rose delivery."

In short - Amesy is a pile o' chevre. The guy has more verbal diarrhea than I do. "We did something much more intimate than kiss. We talked about feelings."

Many, many girls have asked WHY Ames is on the show. With his education, his job, his status in general - he should be getting laid. He should be Grade A NYC Douchemeat. But he's not. He's a nice, smart, nerdy guy. He has all the tools he needs to make the sale, but he can't close. That is why he is on the show. I look forward to many more episodes of Awkw-Ames.

Did'ya enjoy that lil' palate whetter? If you don't watch The Bachelorette - can you please start? Live a little. INDULGE ME k???!!! Disclaimer: I am in no way involved with ABC and do not receive royalties... yet. Hit me up, Chris Harrison. You gotta have tons of cash to pay for all dem roses.

Money down the drain...

Now, kids, it's time for me to serve you up the main meal. This one is a scorcher. With all the Black Swan ballerina energy, the 70s sheer maxi revival, the D&G lace abundance, and the chiffon shirt/kimono silk krrraaaaziness that's been penetrating our fashun psyches, it's only natural that this would come next: BOUDOIR CHIC.

Lingerie is always in style; no one likes boobies that hang low and wobble to and fro. But, with all the  see through madness we've been seeing lately, it's obvious that a focus on undergarments is A-COMIN. I can feel it deep in my lace-clad loins. This is the moment to run out and buy that La Perla, if your husband/bf is Ames and has lotso cash to spend on your naughties. The silkier, the lacier, the racier, the better. You'll wear briefs, teddies, demis, slips to shine through beautifully under all this fabulousness. It will be a summer/fall of Sofia Loren meets 9 1/2 Weeks. PERFECT. What you wear on top will be nothin' compared to the fire that's hidin' underneath. Is my word not enough? You need proof, you scoundrels? Well, what about these words: Louis Vuitton F/W 2011. Huh? Huh? And, Gucci F/W 2011...

      

If that's not enough to convince you skeptics to run out and buy your bustiers, Jean Paul Gaultier, the King of the Cone Bra, recently debuted a new range of his lady lump designs for La Perla. If you can afford to splurge on a few pieces, run to the website quiiick. If not, start hunting for cheerful cheapies; because, trust me, in a few months you will not be able to find the magical ones anymore.

Maybe it's the italiano in me, but I've allllways been partial to finely crafted boulder holders. If you're like me, your goal is to emulate the Sicilian Widow that's been wearing black lace to mourn her mafioso husband for the last 30 years - OH DIO, baby. No one does it better than Dolce:

Here comes some inspiration to light a lingerie fire under your bummy:

 

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